Real Life Bride Wars

What are bride wars? There's a movie all about it. Honestly I never saw it from beginning to end but I saw most of it. For those who haven't seen it, two best friends get engaged within days of each other and it nearly destroys their friendship. They fight over the date and the venue and do anything they can to sabotage the other. Unfortunately, this stuff happens in real life. It happened to me.

My Story...

 

VERY long story short, my fiancé and I got engaged a few months after his brother. His fiancé and I fought over the date and then we fought over a contest to win money towards our wedding. It was an all out war that caused permanent problems between us and our mutual friends. It completely ruined the friendship we had before. Neither of us handled the situation well and awful things were said on both ends. I tried so hard to make things right and be close with her again but it was never the same. I did like her and I was so happy for them when they got engaged but she thought I was jealous and wanted to ruin everything for them. I was not jealous... yes, it made me anxious for my time being that we were approaching five years together and they barely reached two, but I never wanted to ruin our relationship over it and it didn't make me any less excited for them. I wanted to help and we were supposed to be in each other's wedding parties too but after all the problems and we both had way too many other candidates, we decided it would be best to leave each other out. Good thing, because they didn't end up staying together and we are no longer in each other's lives. It still makes me sad because it made the beginning of my engagement very hard and miserable and we really could have been great friends. Really I have her to thank because I could not be happier with the date we chose. Maybe it was just meant to be.

Again, I am leaving out many MANY ridiculous details, but the point is this should not have happened but it does happen to many brides. There is always someone in the family or group of friends that was engaged first or gets engaged after and depending on how it is handled by BOTH parties, it can cause a lot of tension or it could be a blessing. It's up to you.

Don't end up like this....

My advice to newly engaged brides in danger of a bride war....

"She got engaged after me and then forgot all about MY wedding...". If that's the case, just understand she is newly engaged and excited. Let her have her moment. Give her some time to enjoy her own engagement. This is her time too and you cannot ruin it for her. You wouldn't want someone doing that to you (trust me). However, if she is suppose to be in your wedding party and still shows no interest in your wedding during crunch time and serious planning, you may need to have a talk with her. Let her know you are excited for her time and you understand how excited she is for her own wedding but it is your time too and you need her love, support and excitement. Hopefully she will agree and things can be worked out. If you are the one getting engaged second,  try to make it clear right away that you are still just as excited for her so she doesn't feel like you are "stealing her thunder". You need to support each other. If she does not agree, maybe this friendship needs to be re-evaluated and/or maybe you should consider not having her in your wedding party. Your bridesmaids should be helping you whenever they can and they should be excited to be a part of your big day. If she isn't in your wedding party, then just let it go. You do yours and she'll do hers. No need to talk about the weddings with each other so just avoid it.

You want the same date (or something close like the same weekend). You need to talk it out. Obviously you want to attend each others weddings, be in each other's wedding parties and/or likely have mutual friends and family. In my situation, I wanted the date because it was a special date for us and it was important to me to use a special date. Plus since our first week of dating five years before, we said we would get married October 7th, 2012. They wanted to use the 6th and her argument was that was around the time they started hanging out and they were already getting ready to book it. Ultimately I backed down because they were engaged first and having a winter wedding on our official anniversary sounded amazing... and it was. Anyway, you have to have that conversation. Why does she want that date? Why do you want that date? Who was engaged first? Is there a venue in mind and are there other dates available for her/your venue? You need to help each other out and try to understand where the other is coming from. If you have to or can back down and do the next weekend, month or year, just do it. It is not worth ruining your relationship, ruining this time that is supposed to be so happy and upsetting your mutual friends and family.

Blaming Jealousy. Don't do that. Maybe she is jealous, maybe you are jealous, maybe neither of you are actually jealous. Neither of you will admit if you are and it's a fight that will go nowhere but make things worse. Just be happy for each other, help each other....if you really can't do that, then you need to just stay out of each other's way until the weddings are over. With this I would like to add, don't talk behind each other' backs, no name calling or other accusations. It hurts and I promise, it will ruin you both forever.

She is stealing your ideas or she says you are stealing her ideas. Picking the same colors, theme, centerpieces, venue, etc.? You both need to keep in mind that these are minor details. Well, maybe not the venue but if it's just the venue, who cares? Two weddings in the same venue can look and feel completely different. Try not to take any of her ideas. Put it on the backburner and kindly ask her to let you know if she changes her mind. If she does change it and you still want it, go for it. If she decides to pick a minor detail you feel you liked first, pinned first or told her about, maybe go with the other choice you liked or try to suggest something else to her that you think she will really like. Chances are, one of your decisions will change anyway. I changed each detail of my wedding probably about 100 times. If you are just absolutely in love with it and can't part with it, just be flattered that you are using something so nice that others want to use it. No two weddings will look exactly the same. Even if she chooses the same color scheme, you will likely have different themes, centerpieces, shades, accent colors, styles, favors, etc. Besides, there are some plus sides to sharing....for example if you pick the same color, it will be easy for any mutual bridesmaids and maybe you can share some décor items and split the cost. Again, remember these are minor details and they don't matter. I promise your weddings will be unique and not any less lovely. Talk to each other about your ideas and just work it out maturely. Whatever it is, there is a way to work it out without fighting or hurting each other.

We Picked/Want the Same Dress!! One detail that probably can't go unnoticed is the dress. I sure hope this doesn't happen often or to anyone at all, ever. The dress is a big deal. In my opinion, the best way to handle this is whoever got it SECOND, should back down and pick something else. Fair is fair. Be the bigger person and find another dress. Every dress has a close match. You will find something else you like just as much if not more. If you can both maturely have a talk about it, you can do that. Maybe you have to have that dress for some reason like size or money issues, or maybe she happens to really like anther dress just as much and is willing to back down herself. I also suggest not going dress shopping together unless you are positive you wont like the same style. If one of you is having the fairytale princess wedding and the other is going with vintage shabby chic, you most likely won't even be on the same end of the store. If you have similar styles, then go separately because if you see a dress she tries on that looks stunning on her, you may fall in love and nothing else will feel like THE ONE, and vise versa. Don't take the chance. Having your individual dress hunt will reduce that risk and it is good to have your own experience anyway.

Entering Contests. We are all trying to save money. Times are hard and weddings are expensive. I understand this situation is probably rare, but it did happen to me so here it goes. If you entering some sort of contest WITH VOTING to win money or something else for your wedding, maybe make sure the other bride didn't enter first. You do not want to start a competition. It causes jealousy, tension and in my case, all out war. Put your vote in for your friend and find another contest. If you find the contest together, enter as a team and split the prize or agree to do that for every contest found by wither one of you. If it is a random drawing, then you both have the same chances. Enter together, separately, whatever... Be happy for the winner.

Since my engagement and my bride war, my maid of honor and my one of my bridesmaids got engaged. Luckily, there was no fighting with them. Even though my MOH's wedding was only seven months after mine, she never lost focus on helping me with my wedding. She managed to plan her own and be the best MOH at the same time. I was always happy for both of them and neveronce thought they are stealing my thunder. They supported me and I supported them. We never took each other's ideas or even had to have any of these conversations. If we did, I think I would have been able to handle it better after the experience I had. So if you are in danger of a bride war, I suggest you keep calm, talk it out, support each other and be the bigger person whenever possible. It will save friendships, families and this special time in your lives.

Good luck!!

Have you ever been involved in a "Real Life Bride War"? Share your story and your advice....especially if there is anything I left out. Someone in need may be reading this and seeking help!